“Want to increase the drama in your life? Try avoiding confrontation.”

Some people are blessed with a nagging feeling that will absolutely drive them crazy if they do not confront a situation. For these folks, confrontation is a daily task that may cause some stress, but they refuse to let it fester. For others, it is a huge hurdle to cross in their quest to become better leaders and the agony that confrontation creates frequently leads to sleepless nights, and in the worst case, no confrontation at all.

The personalities that have little issue with confrontation are usually less empathetic, less patient, highly driven, and assertive individuals. Those with opposite personalities (patient, empathetic, non-dominant, and less assertive) can be great and even more effective in handling confrontation, but it does require more work and a different way of thinking. Just like anything else related to change, it will not happen unless the individual is passionate about becoming a better leader and truly sees the ability to effectively handle confrontation as an area they have to improve in. The largest motivator to these folks is when they come to the realization that confrontation is absolutely necessary to growing those we lead. Confrontation should no longer be tied to negative connotations; it is the new way to help others grow. Try that thinking on for size.

Suppose you have a new employee and it is their first job ever. They are young, do not understand office etiquette, communication etiquette, and quickly upset your office/department’s culture. You avoid immediate confrontation in this situation because the young person is a go getter and job performance seems to be good. All the while, the other office staff starts to resent the new employee more and more every day, creating drama and the situation potentially becomes one that cannot be resolved. No one likes the new person no matter how good their work is. Confrontation is likely avoided because we do not want to upset them with negative feedback, when they are giving us their best. But we must step back from the situation and recognize that it is likely that they have never been taught not to walk in other people’s offices and interrupt them constantly – they may actually feel like they are doing their job by doing so. They have not been taught when to use an IM message vs. email vs. phone call, etc. It is tough to criticize others even if it is constructive, so people naturally avoid doing so, and the way to get over it is to stop thinking of it as “criticizing” others and embrace it as an easy opportunity to help others grow. Start thinking of people problems that require confrontation as that person screaming at you these words: “Here is my problem, help me improve and grow past it before it is too late”. As leaders, regardless of our personality type, how can any of us delay in reacting to a message like this?

How do we handle confrontation? This is the other part of becoming comfortable with it. As already mentioned, most folks associate negativity with the term when in fact confrontation should rarely be a negative experience if handled correctly. There are multiple styles and methods, but here are two that have been taught to me by my mentors, and that I have had success with over the years:

1. Questioning & Listening – This is the preferred method because through effective questioning you can help the person derive the answer (the problem) themselves, and then ask them what they think needs to be done to correct it. When they discover the issue and the solution, there is greater buy-in to resolve it, and it is self-reflection and awareness, rather than their leader/mentor criticizing them in a negative way.

2. Good, Bad, Good – In the event that the questioning method does not work, or that the personality type does not lend itself well to using that style, a more direct approach is preferred. The good, bad, good approach refers to a communication style that recognizes the other party for doing something well, then uncovers and area that needs improvement, and then follows up on a positive note. This method is good for those people that need to be told “hey, you are screwing up in this area and we need to fix it”, but in a professional motivating way. This method also requires more follow up because sometimes the “good” padding, does not do the job in getting the message across. One recommendation is to use the good ending of the conversation to tell them how excited you are to help them improve in the area and to lay out a plan and let them know that you will follow up with them – then do it.

Both of these styles of confrontation are meant to lead the individual to change and improve. It is up to us to determine if the person reacts better to one or the other, or a completely different style.